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Someone you care about is drinking or using drugs. You can see many ways he/she is creating problems in his/her life and creating harm in yours. Whether they are your partner, child, sibling or friend you have stood by them as they have tried or refused treatment.
You may have left them, kicked him/her out (or considered it) begged, pleaded, bargained, been tough, been soft. You are still here because you love this person, fear for them, feel sorry for them or all of the above. But you feel defeated and weak. You experience profound helplessness, frustration, anger and fear. Today's optimisms induced by a new promise of never again is replaced by tomorrow’s disappointment when promises are broken. You end up with questions about loyalty, love, support and limits.
How much help is too much? How many times should you cover up or lie for them? How many times do you unbolt the door to let them have a shower or a sleep or a feed? Should you give up hope of them changing, preferring family peace to fighting for change through chaos? You may have been told by experts that you need to stop enabling, to start practising tough love. You hope they'll recognise how they are hurting themselves and everyone else. The truth is people can only see what they are ready to see, and sometimes all you can do is sit back and wait.
Denial and hitting rock bottom
You may have learned that addiction is a disease and that only total abstinence with the support of the Twelve Steps is the treatment. You've come to believe that they must want to continue using or else all the trouble they've had would have convinced them to give up their substances. Their denial is so thick that only hitting rock bottom will motivate them to get sober. You've been told to stop bailing them out, cleaning up their mess, let them face consequences. Eventually they will hit rock bottom and sobriety will be possible and only with sobriety will come a better life. Having believed this you urge them into treatment. However in spite of the acceptance and popularity of abstinence-based treatment your family member has not got better. Despite the advice to abandon them you've loved them since they were born and the prospect of their death is too hard to contemplate.
Understanding how people change
So you've had it with promises and disappointments, exhausted by the fear and the suffering the substance abuse has brought, ashamed of their behaviour, feel terrible for those they've hurt. You've heard of being patient, coping and passive in the face of all this. You're tempted to take the advice, quit or get out. The problem is though, TOUGH LOVE DOESN'T WORK. It's also awful for everyone to put into practice. It is totally unrealistic to expect people to change complicated behaviours on the basis of an ultimatum. Any approach that limits you to an all-or-nothing choice ignores the reality of HOW PEOPLE CHANGE. People change in incremental steps, practising new behaviours and new ways of coping with life and feelings over time. The crucial ingredients to making lasting changes are understanding and support. When we expect immediate changes and refuse to be with the person during the process we undermine the very goal we seek to accomplish.
Separating a person from their behaviour
Understanding, however, does not mean that you do not set limits. You set limits with two-year-olds and you set limits with adults. The limits you are setting are on behaviours. Children need limits that protect them from traffic, fire, poison etc. Adults need different limits, e.g., you can't yell at me, I can't let you take all our money for drugs. It is more usual to separate a person from his or her behaviour. Spending all our money on drugs and alcohol doesn't mean we are stupid – we may be just overcome by need. Behaviours can be changed. Aspects of our personality can change. First of all we must have a basic sense of being valued to make it worthwhile to take care of ourselves. When we have children we give them unconditional love. As they grow, the older they get, the less we can expect unconditional love to exist between parent and child. Relationships become equal partnerships in which we have to earn love and respect even from our parents. This is normal and healthy. Once we grow up the only place we can get unconditional love or more accurately unconditional positive regard is from a skilled therapist. You are not your child's, partner's or friend's therapist. You don't have to provide unconditional love to an adult no matter how much they may need it.
Harm reduction approach
The harm reduction approach suggests that you undertake the same kind of balanced evaluation of different options for taking care of yourself that we have encouraged the drug user to undertake. To weigh the pros, cons and consequences of actions so that whatever actions you take reflect the complexity of the relationship with the drug user and the rest of the family. Just as the drug user needs to respect the complexity of his or her relationship with drugs before making decisions that will actually work and that can be maintained, you need to respect the complexity of your relationship with the drug user. Harm reduction does not mean you have to end a relationship to improve it. Nor is abstinence the basis for an improved life. Neither does an addict have to hit rock bottom to change. Incremental changes in drug using behaviour along with incremental improvements in emotional coping skills are realistic and achievable goals. Abstinence may come at some point but for most people with drug and alcohol problems it is almost never a first step. For families it means a new way of thinking about the issue.
A new way of thinking
We know that this new perspective is a lot to swallow. It goes against everything you've learned about what addiction is and how it should be treated. How can someone who is still drinking or using the very drugs that make everything worse get better? We're asking you to develop an entirely new set of ideas about this person you love and his or her relationship with drugs and alcohol. Your ability to be helpful to this person, and take care of yourself, will be enhanced by a change of perspective.
Abridged By Tony Trimingham 'Over the Influence' by Pat Denning, Jeannie Little and Adina Glickman - Guildford Press.
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If the person wasn't using substances would you accept the behaviour? In other words it is important not to treat people differently just because they are using substances.
Know the distinction between them as a person and their behaviour. Even 'I' statements can be phrased in more positive ways on occasion. Note the difference between –
'I don't want you living at home when you're using!' and
'I don't want you to use drugs in our home!'
Is the boundary encouraging them to be responsible for their life, the choices they made, their behaviour and the impact on those around them or is it treating them like a child?
What are the risks of the boundary for everyone involved?
Applying the 'using at home' example, the home and people within it may be safer if there is no use at home, but the person using substances may be at more risk if they then use outside the home. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer. Options and consequences have to be considered and each family may take different approaches. Child safety and protection should always be a serious consideration. The rights of young children need to be the most important element.
Set clear consequences for what happens if the boundary is breached. Consequences should be negotiated together, including the person who uses substances, and may be graded from mild to severe. Consequences need to be appropriate to the breach and everyone needs to be able to live with them. Any action tied up in the consequence needs to come from you - the person who uses substances may not be 'made' to do something.
Example:
"Because you used at home twice last week I am going to look for alternative living arrangements for you"– rather than "Because you used drugs last week you now have to go into rehab."
Take your time and get it right. You can't change other people but you can change your response to them – which may in turn invite them to change.
You can expect boundaries to be broken by people who use substances — especially when they are first put in place. They will often react to changes by pushing you and other family members to previous ways of behaving. They will probably be less motivated to change than you are. They will usually hope that you will be unable to keep boundaries in place based on their previous experience of you giving way. If a boundary is broken you need to respond quickly, appropriately and assertively.
How to do it?
The first step is to recognise and acknowledge that it has happened. Then take a step back as you consider your response. It is very important to take time to consider everything rather than reacting from feelings of frustration and anger.
Responses:
In making your initial statement you need to include:
For example – "When you broke the agreement about using in front of your brother, I felt let down, sad and angry. I ask again that you honour our agreement".
It may then be necessary to restate and/or renegotiate the boundary.
You then need to implement the consequence for breaking the boundary. It is really important that you don't let them off the hook for the consequences.
You may need to develop a 'broken record' technique – especially if they become defensive or start justifying their actions i.e., "Yes I hear what you are saying about why this happened, but I still need you to keep to the agreed boundary!"
It is important to comment on disparagement in the words of the person who uses substances and their behaviour – for example – "I notice that every time something like this happens, you always say sorry but then you carry on as if we didn't have an agreement."
You should then request that things be put right – repay money taken, apology to an affected family member, repair damaged property etc.
Be consistent – when making the above statement it is important to remember a few things because as with any new skill it needs to be developed, practised and refined.
Be assertive but not aggressive – begin with the word 'I', maintain eye contact, speak from the same level – don't stand over them, avoid pointing, jabbing your finger or raising your voice.
Be prepared for them to try and put you off track, appeal to your emotions, argue, get angry etc. You may even need to have another person as a mediator or negotiator but if you do, it is important that they trust the other party and the other party doesn't take sides.
You are neither all-powerful nor powerless. You do have influence and you do have bargaining power. You can ask for what you want, say no to what you don't want and invite them to do the same.
If they apologise, be gracious but consider both their words and how they say it. Actions speak louder than words.
Having thought about the boundary you would like to set and being prepared to talk about it, the next thing is to set it with the person who uses substances. The skill to utilise is negotiation. It is important to build and maintain a dialogue between the person using substances and other family members – this will work well if negotiation skills are utilised.
Effective dialogue involves:
Effective dialogue builds trust, which can lead to people taking more risks with being honest, open and taking responsibility.
Using the transactional analysis model we are trying to work with Adult to Adult dialogue rather than Parent to Child or Child to Child dialogues.
Developing effective negotiation skills:
The last stage in the process is keeping the boundary.
This is done by:
This maybe means that the first boundary to ask for is that there is to be dialogue and negotiation.
If your attempts to achieve negotiation have not worked, you may then have to impose it. This can be done verbally and/or in writing. For example:
You will note that this letter:
Communicating this way has three benefits. You get to say what is important to you and you say it in a way that is easier for the other person to hear. It also models good communication to the other person.
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