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Resources

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• A Guide to Coping
  A Guide to Coping

   

  

   

  SUPPORT FOR FAMILIES FACED WITH PROBLEMATIC ALCOHOL AND DRUG USE
  
  

  Our family education kit A Guide To Coping is receiving acclaim across the country. Many professional agencies have praised the soundness of the information and strategies contained in the kit.

   

  This revised edition contains extra information and fact sheets introducing the new model of family coping and management and the Stepping Stones and Stepping Forward courses.

   

  This book is free for members. Additional copies are available to members at a reduced rate.

   

  Become a Member
• Letter to Family and Friends

  Someone you care about is drinking or using drugs. You can see many ways he/she is creating problems in his/her life and creating harm in yours. Whether they are your partner, child, sibling or friend you have stood by them as they have tried or refused treatment.

  You may have left them, kicked him/her out (or considered it) begged, pleaded, bargained, been tough, been soft. You are still here because you love this person, fear for them, feel sorry for them or all of the above. But you feel defeated and weak. You experience profound helplessness, frustration, anger and fear. Today's optimisms induced by a new promise of never again is replaced by tomorrow’s disappointment when promises are broken. You end up with questions about loyalty, love, support and limits.

  How much help is too much? How many times should you cover up or lie for them? How many times do you unbolt the door to let them have a shower or a sleep or a feed? Should you give up hope of them changing, preferring family peace to fighting for change through chaos? You may have been told by experts that you need to stop enabling, to start practising tough love. You hope they'll recognise how they are hurting themselves and everyone else. The truth is people can only see what they are ready to see, and sometimes all you can do is sit back and wait.

  Denial and hitting rock bottom
  You may have learned that addiction is a disease and that only total abstinence with the support of the Twelve Steps is the treatment. You've come to believe that they must want to continue using or else all the trouble they've had would have convinced them to give up their substances. Their denial is so thick that only hitting rock bottom will motivate them to get sober. You've been told to stop bailing them out, cleaning up their mess, let them face consequences. Eventually they will hit rock bottom and sobriety will be possible and only with sobriety will come a better life. Having believed this you urge them into treatment. However in spite of the acceptance and popularity of abstinence-based treatment your family member has not got better. Despite the advice to abandon them you've loved them since they were born and the prospect of their death is too hard to contemplate.

  Understanding how people change
  So you've had it with promises and disappointments, exhausted by the fear and the suffering the substance abuse has brought, ashamed of their behaviour, feel terrible for those they've hurt. You've heard of being patient, coping and passive in the face of all this. You're tempted to take the advice, quit or get out. The problem is though, TOUGH LOVE DOESN'T WORK. It's also awful for everyone to put into practice. It is totally unrealistic to expect people to change complicated behaviours on the basis of an ultimatum. Any approach that limits you to an all-or-nothing choice ignores the reality of HOW PEOPLE CHANGE. People change in incremental steps, practising new behaviours and new ways of coping with life and feelings over time. The crucial ingredients to making lasting changes are understanding and support. When we expect immediate changes and refuse to be with the person during the process we undermine the very goal we seek to accomplish.

  Separating a person from their behaviour
  Understanding, however, does not mean that you do not set limits. You set limits with two-year-olds and you set limits with adults. The limits you are setting are on behaviours. Children need limits that protect them from traffic, fire, poison etc. Adults need different limits, e.g., you can't yell at me, I can't let you take all our money for drugs. It is more usual to separate a person from his or her behaviour. Spending all our money on drugs and alcohol doesn't mean we are stupid – we may be just overcome by need. Behaviours can be changed. Aspects of our personality can change. First of all we must have a basic sense of being valued to make it worthwhile to take care of ourselves. When we have children we give them unconditional love. As they grow, the older they get, the less we can expect unconditional love to exist between parent and child. Relationships become equal partnerships in which we have to earn love and respect even from our parents. This is normal and healthy. Once we grow up the only place we can get unconditional love or more accurately unconditional positive regard is from a skilled therapist. You are not your child's, partner's or friend's therapist. You don't have to provide unconditional love to an adult no matter how much they may need it.

  Harm reduction approach
  The harm reduction approach suggests that you undertake the same kind of balanced evaluation of different options for taking care of yourself that we have encouraged the drug user to undertake. To weigh the pros, cons and consequences of actions so that whatever actions you take reflect the complexity of the relationship with the drug user and the rest of the family. Just as the drug user needs to respect the complexity of his or her relationship with drugs before making decisions that will actually work and that can be maintained, you need to respect the complexity of your relationship with the drug user. Harm reduction does not mean you have to end a relationship to improve it. Nor is abstinence the basis for an improved life. Neither does an addict have to hit rock bottom to change. Incremental changes in drug using behaviour along with incremental improvements in emotional coping skills are realistic and achievable goals. Abstinence may come at some point but for most people with drug and alcohol problems it is almost never a first step. For families it means a new way of thinking about the issue.

  A new way of thinking
  We know that this new perspective is a lot to swallow. It goes against everything you've learned about what addiction is and how it should be treated. How can someone who is still drinking or using the very drugs that make everything worse get better? We're asking you to develop an entirely new set of ideas about this person you love and his or her relationship with drugs and alcohol. Your ability to be helpful to this person, and take care of yourself, will be enhanced by a change of perspective.

  Abridged By Tony Trimingham 'Over the Influence' by Pat Denning, Jeannie Little and Adina Glickman - Guildford Press.

• Fact Sheets
   

  To view these Fact Sheets (in Adobe PDF format) click on a title below.

  If you do not have Acrobat Reader it can be downloaded from this link: Adobe Reader
  

   

  Communication with a person who uses substances

  Supporting someone through Detox

  Harm Reduction for Families

  Harm Reduction for People Using Substances

  Overview of Support Services

• Dealing With Conflict
  One option is to choose not to be in conflict.

  Ideas for using your influence to encourage negotiating include:

   

  Knowing about conflict – reflect on previous conflict situations you have had with the family member who uses substances. To help, ask yourself:

   

  •  What were the triggers to conflict starting? Does it even have to start?
  •  Are there any fixed patterns to how conflict goes?
  •  What are the roles people adopt?
  •  What are the payoffs people get for the roles they play?
  •  What are the prices people pay for the role?
  •  What is my responsibility, because this is the bit I can change? (This means taking a good look at yourself.)

   Being assertive 

  • Using our personal power assertively, rather than being aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive.
    Assertiveness leads to 'win-win' outcomes
  • Setting boundaries
  • It may be necessary to set a boundary, such as around how you talk about the issues that provoke conflict or around the issue of disagreement. (See Boundary Setting article on this website)

   Developing a dialogue

   

  In conflict there are usually two or more monologues – people are talking at each other and not listening. Aim for dialogue, which can be done by:

  •  Choosing your moment – e.g. not when someone is under the influence of drink/drugs
  • Slowing down the conversation
  •  Listening – really important – refer to Stepping Stones
  • Being open and honest
  • Respecting the other person. You do not have to like or respect some aspects of a person's behaviour. Respecting someone is recognising that they are more than some of their behaviour and they are worthy of respect as another human being. We are all different and we are all equal
  •  Accepting and understanding the other person's point of view, even when we don't agree. Two people can experience the same thing differently
  •  Using 'I' statements to own what we say – again refer to Stepping Stones
  •  Recognising your part of the responsibility for what has happened
  •  Recognising that others are responsible for the choices they make and their behaviour
  •  Acknowledging how we feel and how the other person feels
  •  Expressing feelings appropriately
  •  Recognising the need for all to exercise both rights and responsibilities
  •  Collaborating rather than confronting
  •  Commenting on what someone does rather than what they say, such as "I note you say again you won't use drugs in the house, but in the past you always have"
  •  Staying in this calm role. You will be inviting others to respond this way

   Negotiating

   

  •  Starting easy and finishing strong, ratcheting up the toughness of your responses only as necessary
  •  Collaborating, being flexible and willing to compromise to reach an agreement, but ...
  •  Holding out for what is most important and compromising on lesser things – demand what you must, accept what you can
  •  Aiming for everyone to feel they have got something. The idea of 'win-win' as opposed to 'win-lose' or 'lose-lose'
  •  Helping people to save face, rather than humiliating them
  •  Agreeing the terms of the resolution, such as when it will start, when you will talk about it again, the consequences of any boundary being broken etc.
  •  Making a clear agreement at end of negotiation

   Supporting ourselves

   

  •  Contacting organisations that can help, such as Family Drug Support, mediation services, counselling, refuges for domestic violence etc
  •  Accepting the support of people you know, either to talk about the difficulties of the conflicts you have, or to have a diversion away from them
  •  Letting ourselves have a break from conflict/having a place of sanctuary to go – holidays, time out, respite etc.

  Though conflicts are frequently seen as a crisis, they may also be seen as an opportunity for positive change.

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Dealing with Conflict

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• Conflict
  There is nothing unusual, unnatural or to be feared about conflict. It is a natural part of all human relationships. We are all different, we have different personality types, have different ways of looking at things, want different things and we have different likes and dislikes. With people we live with, work with, are friends with and have relationships with when differences occur there is almost certainly going to be conflict. It would be odd for there not to be conflict in any of these circumstances.

   

  It is not that there is a disagreement that matters, it is how it is handled that can be either positive or negative. It can be dealt with destructively, abusively and disrespectfully OR differences can be resolved constructively and respectfully.
• Conflict And Substance Use
  Disagreement is common in families where there is drug and alcohol use for various reasons:

  • The drug user's agenda is often very different to other family members
  • Family members have different ideas to drug users on how to spend money – drugs vs other essentials
  • Established patterns of conflict are often stressful, frustrating and non-productive

   We get many telephone calls regarding parents 'waiting up' to confront a drug or alcohol user who has been out getting high. It may be better to wait and address the issue later. It is never a good idea to deal with things:
• Conflict Involves Two Parties
  Conflict involves two parties but others often get caught up in creating persecution, victim and rescuers.

  When two people have a transaction – including conflict- it involves both parties. Both people create what happens, each influences the other and is affected by the other – often a third party gets involved creating a negative triangle – usually exacerbating the conflict and making matters worse, for example:

   

  Dad: "You're stoned again – I've told you not to use drugs in this house!"
  Son: "What I do is my business – why can't you leave me alone?"
  Mum: "You shouldn't shout at your dad, he is only trying to help."
  Son: "Keep out of this – you're always butting in where you're not wanted."
  Mum: Starts crying.
  Dad: "You've done it again! You're always upsetting your mother."
  Son: "Just fuck off and leave me alone."
• Coping With Other People's Anger
  If we react to others defensively by attacking or withdrawing, conflict often increases. If, instead, we respond assertively we can help to bring the conflict to a level at which emotions can be reduced and negotiating then becomes possible.

   

  Saying "enough" or "I don't want your anger". Firmly putting our hand up as if stopping traffic. Everyone has the right to say to someone else that they are angry with them. No one has the right to be abusive and aggressive with someone else.
• Unhealthy Ways Of Dealing With Conflict
  Anger is a natural human emotion and one that can be, in some circumstances, an understandable and even healthy way of reacting. However, it can also be potentially dangerous to ourselves and others.

   

  Therefore there are many unwritten social rules inhibiting anger to control these risks. We typically swallow these rules whole as children and then have beliefs such as "it is unreasonable to be angry", "people who are angry are out of control" or "it's bad to be angry".
• Ways To Positively Express And Resolve Anger
  The following steps can help you recognise an express your anger:

  •  Recognise when you are angry – shouting in a loud and angry voice, "I am not angry", is not recognising your anger
  •  Accept that it is OK and human to get angry
  •  Identify the source of the anger – who or what is causing the anger?
  •  Understand why you are angry
  •  Identify the feelings that your anger is masking
  •  Find positive and effective ways to express your anger and release tension
• What Happens To Unresolved Anger?
  Unexpressed anger contributes to physical and emotional tension. The expression of anger releases that tension. Without healthy ways to express anger, unexpressed anger builds up and can result in physical symptoms such as headaches, body tension, indigestion and anxiety.

   

  There are those who claim they 'don't get angry'. Outwardly they may appear calm and unfazed. Again, this could be a result of witnessing negative expression of anger in their past. However, this tension still exists and builds up, adding to the emotional 'gunnysack'. A seemingly trivial event can trigger an explosive expression of anger.

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Setting Boundaires

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• Defining A Boundary
  • What is the issue, circumstance, area of concern?
  • What do you need to achieve?
  • Examine your motive in wanting to set this boundary. Is it in response to clear thinking about an area of concern or is it an angry response to a set of circumstances?

  If the person wasn't using substances would you accept the behaviour? In other words it is important not to treat people differently just because they are using substances.

  Know the distinction between them as a person and their behaviour. Even 'I' statements can be phrased in more positive ways on occasion. Note the difference between –

  'I don't want you living at home when you're using!' and
  'I don't want you to use drugs in our home!'

  Is the boundary encouraging them to be responsible for their life, the choices they made, their behaviour and the impact on those around them or is it treating them like a child?

  What are the risks of the boundary for everyone involved?

  Applying the 'using at home' example, the home and people within it may be safer if there is no use at home, but the person using substances may be at more risk if they then use outside the home. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer. Options and consequences have to be considered and each family may take different approaches. Child safety and protection should always be a serious consideration. The rights of young children need to be the most important element.

  Set clear consequences for what happens if the boundary is breached. Consequences should be negotiated together, including the person who uses substances, and may be graded from mild to severe. Consequences need to be appropriate to the breach and everyone needs to be able to live with them. Any action tied up in the consequence needs to come from you - the person who uses substances may not be 'made' to do something.

  Example:

  "Because you used at home twice last week I am going to look for alternative living arrangements for you"– rather than "Because you used drugs last week you now have to go into rehab."

  • How will you measure if the boundary has been kept?
  • Is there a time limit on the boundary or does it goes on indefinitely?
  • How often and when will you review the boundary?
  • What flexibility (it will help if there is some) will be made for changes in circumstances?
  • When and where will the boundary be set and commence?
  • Other family members of an appropriate age who live in the home should be party to the agreement partly to prevent 'divide and rule' circumstances. It will be no good setting a boundary where key people are not involved and disagree with the boundary.
  • Is the boundary realistic at the moment in the current circumstances?
  • Can a win/win be achieved? In other words, set the boundary in a way that you, the other family members and the person using substances gain something from keeping the boundary. Boundaries set as revenge or to express your anger or to punish the person who uses substances are doomed to failure.
  • When will the boundary commence? Immediately, or is there a need for a commencement date?
  • How will you get support from within yourself or from others to be able to set and keep the boundary? How will you deal with harmful feelings and other issues that may arise? Support groups can be beneficial for supporting you.
  • Remember we live in the real world and not a fantasy one. The choice of a boundary is likely to be a compromise rather than the ideal you might like.
  • Be prepared to reward the person who uses substances for respecting and keeping the boundary. They often don't get 'payoffs' and it will encourage them if they see that keeping the boundary is appreciated.
  • Prepare and rehearse the discussion on setting the boundary. Imagine their likely response. Be prepared for negative reactions. Use 'I' statements as your communication style. Rehearse the conversation going the way you would like it to.
  • Remember your needs are equal to, not greater or less than those of others. Your needs are worth respecting and you are entitled to set and have boundaries kept.

  Take your time and get it right. You can't change other people but you can change your response to them – which may in turn invite them to change.

• If A Boundary Is Broken

  You can expect boundaries to be broken by people who use substances — especially when they are first put in place. They will often react to changes by pushing you and other family members to previous ways of behaving. They will probably be less motivated to change than you are. They will usually hope that you will be unable to keep boundaries in place based on their previous experience of you giving way. If a boundary is broken you need to respond quickly, appropriately and assertively.

  How to do it?
  The first step is to recognise and acknowledge that it has happened. Then take a step back as you consider your response. It is very important to take time to consider everything rather than reacting from feelings of frustration and anger.

  Responses:

  • I believe our agreed boundary regarding -------------------- has been broken
  • I feel -------------------------- about this
  • We need to discuss this. (You may need to negotiate whether right now is the time to have a discussion or to set a more appropriate time.)

  In making your initial statement you need to include:

  1. What behaviour is unreasonable (focus on behaviour – not them as a person)
  2. What your feeling is about the behaviour (feeling – not blaming response)
  3. Say what you want to do now or restate the boundary

  For example – "When you broke the agreement about using in front of your brother, I felt let down, sad and angry. I ask again that you honour our agreement".
  It may then be necessary to restate and/or renegotiate the boundary.

  You then need to implement the consequence for breaking the boundary. It is really important that you don't let them off the hook for the consequences.

  You may need to develop a 'broken record' technique – especially if they become defensive or start justifying their actions i.e., "Yes I hear what you are saying about why this happened, but I still need you to keep to the agreed boundary!"

  It is important to comment on disparagement in the words of the person who uses substances and their behaviour – for example – "I notice that every time something like this happens, you always say sorry but then you carry on as if we didn't have an agreement."

  You should then request that things be put right – repay money taken, apology to an affected family member, repair damaged property etc.

  Be consistent – when making the above statement it is important to remember a few things because as with any new skill it needs to be developed, practised and refined.

  Be assertive but not aggressive – begin with the word 'I', maintain eye contact, speak from the same level – don't stand over them, avoid pointing, jabbing your finger or raising your voice.

  Be prepared for them to try and put you off track, appeal to your emotions, argue, get angry etc. You may even need to have another person as a mediator or negotiator but if you do, it is important that they trust the other party and the other party doesn't take sides.

  You are neither all-powerful nor powerless. You do have influence and you do have bargaining power. You can ask for what you want, say no to what you don't want and invite them to do the same.

  If they apologise, be gracious but consider both their words and how they say it. Actions speak louder than words.

• Setting A Boundary

  Having thought about the boundary you would like to set and being prepared to talk about it, the next thing is to set it with the person who uses substances. The skill to utilise is negotiation. It is important to build and maintain a dialogue between the person using substances and other family members – this will work well if negotiation skills are utilised. 

  Effective dialogue involves: 

  • Listening to each other
  • Being open and honest
  • Respecting the other person – not necessarily liking their behaviour
  • Accepting and understanding their point of view – even when you don't agree
  • Using 'I' statements. Start everything you say with 'I'. I think, I believe, I feel, I would like etc.
  • Taking responsibility for your actions and contribution to the situation
  • Not taking responsibility for other people's behaviour, actions and choices
  • Acknowledging both your own feelings and the other person's feelings
  • Appropriately expressing your feelings e.g.," I am really angry that you are using in front of your brothers", rather than exploding and becoming aggressive
  • Recognising the need for all to exercise their rights and responsibilities
  • Working to collaborate rather than confront
  • Staying calm and focused on the task of setting the boundary even if the person who uses substances loses control
  • Modelling appropriate behaviour — it may bring them back on track

  Effective dialogue builds trust, which can lead to people taking more risks with being honest, open and taking responsibility.

  Using the transactional analysis model we are trying to work with Adult to Adult dialogue rather than Parent to Child or Child to Child dialogues.

  Developing effective negotiation skills:

  • Always look for win/win outcomes
  • Asking for what you want – not demanding or avoiding asking
  • Acknowledge power differences between you and the person who uses substances
  • Checking their response to your request and how they feel about it
  • Not making assumptions regarding their feelings, thoughts or desires
  • Collaborating and being flexible. Being prepared to give some ground and compromise
  • Holding on to what is really important while being willing to let go of what is not important
  • Start easy and if necessary finish strong. Use your negotiation skills and then move on to imposition if necessary
  • Agreeing the terms of the boundary – when it will start, when you will review it and the consequences of the breach of the boundary. Make sure the person who uses substances is fully involved and understands what the consequences will be
  • Make a clear agreement of what has been decided
• Keeping a Boundary

  The last stage in the process is keeping the boundary. 

  This is done by:

  • Observing if the boundary is being kept
  • Acknowledging that it is being kept or if it is broken
  • Responding appropriately if it is broken
• Support for You
  Setting boundaries and changing your relationship with a person who uses substances is difficult. It is especially hard if you are isolated and unsupported. Getting other family members positively involved is extremely important. Otherwise, phoning the Family Drug Support 24/7 Support Line on 1300 386 186, going to FDS or other support groups or even discussing things with a counsellor can be very helpful and empowering.
• When Dialogue And Negotiation Doesn't Work

  This maybe means that the first boundary to ask for is that there is to be dialogue and negotiation. 

  If your attempts to achieve negotiation have not worked, you may then have to impose it. This can be done verbally and/or in writing. For example: 

  • I notice that whenever I try to discuss your drug use in the house you seem unwilling to talk about it. I tried to talk to you twice last week and you said "later mum" but it still hasn't happened. I cannot stop you using drugs even though I don't like it and I am fearful of about what might happen. I am worried that something illegal is happening in our house but am particularly concerned that you do it even when your younger brother and sister are here.

  • I assume now that you are unwilling to cooperate with me on this and therefore as a consequence I am not going to buy food or cook meals for you. Further, I have said that if there is one more instance of your siblings seeing you use, I will have to ask you to leave. I regret it has come to this and would prefer it if we could now have an open discussion about your drug use and the impact on the family. I love you and will continue to no matter what and I will continue to have contact with you!

  You will note that this letter:

  • Addresses their behaviour rather than attacks them as a person
  • Gives the impact of the broken boundary
  • Uses 'I' statements and not 'you' statements
  • Asks for the boundary to be respected
  • Is honest, open, direct and assertive
  • Is not aggressive
  • Is balanced
  • Sets out the boundary clearly as well as the consequences for breaking it
  • Leaves things open for further discussion, dialogue and negotiation
  • Gives the person who uses substances responsibility for their behaviour and the choice they made

  Communicating this way has three benefits. You get to say what is important to you and you say it in a way that is easier for the other person to hear. It also models good communication to the other person.

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FDS Insight Magazine

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• Insight Articles of Interest
  A selection of interesting articles extracted from Insight magazines since August 2012 and produced in PDF format. Click on a heading below to view the article. 

   

  Australia's Long and Illogical War on Drugs

   

  After 33 Years I Can No Longer Ignore The Evidence On Drugs

   

  Drugs Across Cultures Course 

   

  Grandparents and Drugs

   

  How To Set Up Teens For A Healthy Relationship With Alcohol

   

  Learning 

   

  'Legal Highs' Not Necessarily Legal

   

  Letters of Thanks

   

  No Drugs In Prison A Big Ask

   

  Rethinking our Attitude to Drugs  

   

  Sales Of Synthetic Drugs Are On A High

   

  • Media Release - Naloxone To Save More Lives Under Amended Drug Law

  • SBS Insight: Two fathers reveal what happened when their child became drug dependent 
    
    
  • Family estrangement and drug addiction can often go hand in hand. These two fathers, who've both experienced dealing with a drug dependent child, reveal the paths they took.
    
    
  • Pill Testing Explained: A new video explaining pill testing, featuring Dr David Caldicott, produced by Dancewize, Pill Testing Australia and SSDP Australia.

  If you would like to receive a regular copy of the Insight magazine with many more up to date articles on alcohol and other drugs, become a member of FDS.

  Click on the 'Membership' link to the left to see how. 

   

  IMPORTANT: PLEASE, whilst viewing this site, don't forget that you can call our SUPPORT LINE on 1300 368 186 (24/7 hrs) and talk to one of our volunteers.

• Tony's Latest Book
  "Not My Family, Never My Child"

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  A practical handbook for anyone who suspects (or knows) someone they care about is a drug user.
  
  

  Drawing on the tragic loss of his son to a heroin overdose and his experience working as a counsellor, Tony Trimingham cuts through the hype to address the real issues facing the families and friends of anyone struggling with drug problems. 
  
  Filled with constructive suggestions and strategies, Not My Family, Never My Child provides support, advice and guidance to the parents, siblings and loved ones of drug users – and the users themselves – as they make their way through the difficult journey of drug dependency. It includes detailed information on: warning signs, early intervention, coping and survival strategies, treatment, and where to go for additional advice and support.

   

  Drawing on real stories to illustrate the challenges – and the successes – that can and do arise, Not My Family, Never My Child is an invaluable tool that will help families and friends get through this time in their loved one's life.

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  BUY TONY'S BOOK: 

  FDS Members only $20.00 + $6.60 postage

   

  Non FDS Members $24.95 + $6.60 postage

   

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  Listen to audio of Radio 2GB's Alan Jones' 'on air' discussion with Tony about the book.

   

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  Extract from "Not My Family, Never My Child"

  "Grief has a way of making you feel that you are the only one suffering, but I soon realised that what had been such a shocking death for me and my family was far from an isolated incident. All over Australia, other fathers, other mothers, other brothers and other sisters were feeling that pain ...".

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  Tony with Bob Carr at the book launch. 

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